The first thing I do when I feel hurt is to try to find someone to blame for my broken heart. I make sure that this person knows how much he hurt me and what he did wrong, how mean he is to be leaving me or for choosing another girl. I get caught up in HIS behaviour and totally forget to look at myself and ask WHY.
What exactly made him deselect me? The love I have inside is so strong and there is no way he could not love me with all that love inside.
But he didn’t see it. I didn’t let him in.
I was busy trying not to get hurt by him, and the guy before him, and the guy before the guy before him…… Nothing will ever change if I don’t see this obvious pattern. How could I not see it? Did I try to hide it from myself?
He didn’t cause this. He is not responsible. I am.
I go back in time. I try to find out when this first happened and why I have taken on this pattern of limiting myself and hiding my true feelings. There must be an answer somewhere. It is there. Out there somewhere. In the deep deep ocean of unconsciousness. I must have been hurt badly without really knowing it myself.
Did I ever trust in anybody? Did I ever give someone my all? Everything I had. Put myself out there. Naked. Vulnerable.
And what happened, then?
Did he not love me passionately? Deeply?
I remember now. It was that one thing he said. That one thing that made my heart turn cold. I built walls around it like a fence to protect myself from feeling this way ever ever ever again. But when a wall is built, it doesn’t only protect my heart from hurt. It is very effective and protects my heart with all it’s got. From love.
It is clever, though. It lets people in just far enough for me to get a taste of love, but makes sure that nobody gets in far enough to touch the tender, bleeding heart inside. I have found a way to connect without really putting myself out there. I am even fooling myself sometimes. I believe that I truly deeply love and go on with it, but someday it bites my tale and ruins everything. My fairytale castle blown away by the breeze.
I start acting strange trying to push him not to love me, I try to show him all the sides of myself that I don’t like. My dark shadows. I get moody. I am unfair. Petty. Controlling. Until the day he can’t take it anymore and leaves.
Another wall is built.
Hearts are made to feel and they can feel the walls covering my heart. They know that there is more to that love inside of me, but my wall is so effective that they give up and go for the open hearts somewhere else. Who am I to blame them? Who am I to make them responsible?
If I ever want to experience deep love again. A full-on connection with another person, I need to start tearing down those walls. Some may be harder to demolish than others, but I will work persistently and patiently.
It makes me think of a Chinese movie I saw somewhere. This woman had done something wrong and they had put her into a brick hut and built the wall and hut all around her. There was only a small hole for her to look through and get food through. She was alive, but only just alive. The walls were blocking her from experiencing life to the fullest.
I am lucky not to be behind physical walls and I have the tools and people around me to help support me while I tear them down, one by one. It can and will get dirty and tough, but I do this for me. For my bleeding heart.
First step is to take responsibility and realise that nobody did this to me. I need to realise that I am hiding behind my walls. Next step is to understand fully that nobody can do this for me. I need to do this and stick with it even when it gets messy and I feel that I am falling apart.
I don’t think this work is a one size fits all, so I will not give you a list of steps to tear your walls down around your heart. Who would I be to tell you how to do it since I haven’t even done it myself yet? I know that I need to do this and I have a feeling that I know what the walls are about. Knowing that is already a big step.